i honestly could have written this review a week ago when we had only seen half of the movie, but i really thought i owed it to the awfulness of the movie to finish the entire thing to see how ridiculous it can get. you know the sign or a really good horror movie? when the students are scared and the teacher is cracking up laughing after each thing that happens. oh, wait, NO! after reading the jacket cover of the movie, i already knew what i was in for: "open water" but substitute skiing/snowboarding for scuba diving. i'll kill 2 birds with one stone by exposing the plot to open water, because almost the exact same movie.
both movies come from the script line that takes murphy's law -- anything that can go wrong, will go wrong -- and plugs it into a recreational activity with a mild risk factor, making it a bizarre, this will NEVER actually happen "horror" movie. in open water, what's the worst that could happen? your boat SOMEHOW miscounts the number of people on the trip and those on the boat and leaves 2 people behind. then sharks show up. then somebody get hysterical because of the predicament. then somebody dies, leaving the last person with a life or death decision to make about themselves.
now to the hilarious details of Frozen...
***SPOILER ALERT***
ok, so the start of the movie is based on this awkward 3rd wheel situation. these 2 "bros" (one of which is iceman from the x-men trilogy; OH THE IRONY!*%*&) have had this yearly tradition of going to this one mountain and having quality bro time where they clear their heads and just be with the snow. (i'll be referring to our fateful threesome as iceman, non-iceman, and girlfriend) this year though, non-iceman his girlfriend along, who SUCKS at snowboarding. the pathetic dramatic tension that carries the first 30 minutes is all based around these boring, awkward 3rd wheel conversations, such as iceman criticizing the girlfriend for smoking cigarettes and then complaining to non-iceman that they haven't been able to get any sick runs in all day because the girl sucks at snowboarding (iceman's a skier, btw). so, the hill is about to close. the lift chairs are being folded up, but the gang - because of the lack of sick runs -, convinces the lift chair guy to let them go up for 1 more run, which he finally agrees to do. so, they are on their way up. now murphy's law starts to beat our threesome in the face like a whack-a-mole and annoy any intelligent viewers to the bitter end. so the ski lift guy, 5 minutes before our soon-to-be-screwed threesome has to take a piss, so he gets some other guy to replace him so he can relieve himself, telling him to wait until the 3 people he sent up get down the hill. in classic Home Alone miscounting fashion, the new guy sees 3 other people arrive at the bottom of the hill and, thinking these are the three people he's supposed to wait for, shuts the lift down with the threesome stuck on chair the middle of the lift.
they joke about being stuck until the lights on the hill shut off, then the girl now gets hysterical when they realize that if nobody helps them, they will be out there for 5 full days, because it's a sunday night, and this clearly is one of those weekend-only mountains that is completely abandoned m-f. (the funny part to me was when they actually mentioned dying from sharks while on the lift; priceless cap tip to open water) THEN an ice storm starts. oh, and non-iceman decided to wear, not a winter coat, but a hoodie with a poofy vest over it. i know that when i go skiing, i wear those ninja neck/face masks with a beanie over it, because being cold in the snow sucks, so normal people dress accordingly. anyway, they're sitting in the ice storm complaining, BUT HELP IS ON THE WAY, or so it seems. a truck is driving up the hill to check the slopes for the night. as he gets right under the threesome, he gets radioed to screw it and come back because of the storm. he pauses for a second, then turns around. while he was right underneath them, none of the three thoughts to drop a ski/snowboard on the truck to get his attention. they thought yelling from above in a windy ice storm would get the man's attention from inside the truck. (yeah, i know. they're stupid; they deserve to die).
so now they start to get desperate. chivalrous non-iceman decides that the best thing to do to save everybody is to jump to the ground and head down the hill for help. they're oh 3 stories high, you know, the usual ski lift height, and non-iceman jumps straight down, trying to land on his feet (clearly bad form if you want to lighten your fall) so what do you think happened? broken legs! compound fracture; bone through skin, which they graphically show. so as non-iceman is sitting there, bleeding out, girlfriend throws her scarf down for a tourniquet, which promptly gets stuck in a tree on the way down. THEN a WOLF shows up next to non-iceman! the two up top drop girlfriends snowboard scaring off the wolf. seeking an alternative route out, iceman contemplates climbing across the cable to the pillar that has a ladder down. (this should have struck most people as the first option) as the two talk this out, they look down to now see a pack of wolves which start to rip non-iceman apart as iceman and girlfriend stay close to not watch the carnage. (chivalry is dead. BOOM! i built up to that one) now, let's break this down...at this ski mountain, there is a resident pack of killer wolves. killer wolves...at a public recreational facility. ok then.
so 1 down. to backtrack a little, as everybody was still with us, the girlfriend dropped a mitten while trying to light up a cig. (smoking will kill you!). fast-forward till now --> because of non-iceman getting eaten by wolves, they ditched the climbing the cable plan and they both fell asleep overnight. girlfriend intelligently fell asleep with her hand on the guardrail. she wakes up with her hand stuck to the rail. think dumb and dumber, hand instead of tongue and actually losing a layer of skin instead of a rubber prosthetic tongue. idiot! you lost your glove and you have a perfectly good coat pocket. why would it ever leave the pocket if your hand is unoccupied? anyway, they are both horribly frostbitten and then the sun comes out giving them sunburn (another laughing moment for me). anyway, iceman attempts the cable plan again. as he climbs on the cable, somehow the screw of the chair begins to come loose, so the girl in the chair has that subplot going for her. as he's climbing, duh, the pack of wolves come back and circle underneath (this time, during the day: the time skiers usually occupy the mountain. seriously, killer wolves) since they're due for some good luck, iceman actually makes it across to the ladder. girlfriend throws his ski pole at the bottom to use as a weapon. iceman starts to get mauled by a wolf, but stabs it in the face to fend it off. then he sits on non-iceman's vacant snowboard and starts to slide down the hill with the pack of wolves following him. he promises help. the girl sits for a while, and help is taking a really long time. hmm, i wonder what happened to the help? she finally gets sick of waiting, so attempts to jump down as well (because this plan ended so well the first time...). as she positions herself, the chair falls, but not all the way because of some cable that held, so she has a much shorter drop now. she jumps, but the chair falls on her foot, so she can't walk. she army crawls down the mountain. on her way down, what does she find? iceman being ravaged by the wolves, intestines out and everything. but, the wolves (having eaten 2 grown men) are no longer hungry, and after a dramatic staredown from head wolf continue feasting on iceman as girlfriend continues down the mountain. she gets picked up on the side of the road by a minivan. the end.
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